It's not a boy. Well, not a romantic boy. And it's many girls. I have struggled with finding my tribe of people to call my own my whole life. I don't have that childhood friend I've known since I was 4. I never had a great group of girlfriends who all hung out together. I had a horrific middle school and high school experience but I'm not here to tell a sob story just giving a background. I've never really had good connections with friends. It wasn't until I got my first job out of college working on a floor with a lot of younger women that I felt like I found a group of people to call close friends.
Fast forward 6 years and I talk to none of them. After I started travel nursing I found out who my true friends were pretty quickly. One person continued to stay in contact, and trust me when I say I tried with other people to no avail, but that didn't last long. LONG story short, 3 years later, 2 massively broken friendships, numerous people talking untruthful shit about me behind my back and me 3,000 miles away with no way to defend myself, I'm back home. About to start work again at the same company all these people still work. Am I worried? No. Because I came to the harsh realization not too long ago that if somebody doesn't take the time to foster a friendship with me, why am I going out of my way to contact them?
It took me--yet again--way too long to figure out that people who want you in their lives, make it a priority to include you. If they don't, they are irrelevant people. And I don't feel bad about saying that. When you have no respect or kindness for other people's feelings, when you don't stand by somebody who was a good friend to you, and when you're still in the same damn place I left you 3 years ago, you're irrelevant. This book--and this quote--helped me feel like it's okay to not deal with irrelevant people. Because if I'm being honest, I was and still am, a little apprehensive about the moment when I know I have to come in contact with these people again but after reading this I care a lot less.
I am me, I live my life, I have friends who actually care about who I am and my well-being and that's all I can ask for. My inner circle is very small but I like it that way. I can't exert energy towards people who don't care and forget you when you leave the room. I refuse to fake it with people I couldn't care less about. And I will not feel bad for thinking any of this. Some people live by a different code and I'd rather surround myself with people who are like-minded than waste time on those who are irrelevant and have zero direction in their life. I just need to be quicker at spotting them for the future.
I love this. I've recently struggled with something similar. I had/have a huge group of friends (10 boys, 2 girls) who were all close, hung out every weekend, etc. We kept in touch throughout college and even the first year out of college. Now, a few years later, everyone is everywhere and people barely talk to each other. I had a legit fight with one of them and now his girlfriend ~forbids~ me from being around him, and thus the rest of OUR friends. (Long story obviously LOL) Anyways, I just have to keep telling myself that it's not worth forcing relationships with people who don't care.
ReplyDeleteUgh, that sounds awful! It's so sad when people fall out of touch but when you know it's no fault of yours (but an outside person, ugh!) I think it makes things even harder to accept. But exactly like you said, it's not worth forcing something that isn't there and both people aren't invested in :/
DeleteI definitely relate to this on some level. I've always had pretty great groups of friends, but they tend to cycle every few years and I used to constantly wonder if it was me. Most of my high school friends are still close but I'm not as close to them. And I had a very passive aggressive falling out with two of my best guy friends from college, who I learned were talking about me behind my back a lot. And didn't keep in very good touch when I moved. It hurt and sometimes I still wonder if it was me but I know it's for the best. Like you said, the people that matter make the effort. Like my 5 girlfriends from college that I'm still close to; it might be sporadic but we make the effort and keep our friendships strong. It's definitely hard though. I'm trying to be better myself. To reach out when I'm thinking of someone instead of just thinking of them. Anyway. I need to read that author's books, Hannah keeps talking them up too!
ReplyDeleteI've had this happen to me numerous times--finding out people are talking about you behind your back--and it is one of the lowest, most hurtful things that somebody can do to you. Just tell somebody you're having a problem with them. And yes! Moving is a great wake up call to who actually cares about you! That's so great that your 5 college girlfriends are all still close! My two girlfriends from college and I see each other all the time now that I've moved home and it's been amazing!
DeleteLove this post. <333 I'm glad you realize people like that are worthless. It takes us foreeever to realize this lesson, but once we do, life is so much better because of it! Like I always tell you-- you don't fit the generic mold. ;) LOVE YOU, friend. Keep being you and holding those who love you for who you are close. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks, love!! It is totally much better because of it! We always feel duped when it happens but I truly try to remind myself that its better to give somebody the benefit of the doubt and get burned than just writing everybody off before you get to know them. *kisses*
DeleteAin't nobody got time for people who won't put in the effort to keep a friendship alive, especially if these are people you see on the regular and still do nothing. I feel like it's something many of us have had to learn over the years, and it's always hard to deal with no matter what the case. I'm so glad you've found your squad, and I'm so glad that you're a part of mine <3
ReplyDeleteExactly! Life is too short! And it is always hard! No matter how may times it happens or how old we get, it's always hurtful realizing you're not somebody's priority :/ Squad forever!!! *muah*
DeleteWell said, Kelly! Thank you for sharing your heart with us. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Anna! That is so kind of you to say! ((hugs))
DeleteI bookmarked it when you first wrote this, and my brain didn't remind me to go back. Thankfully Hannah is wonderful and keeps us all in check, right? I've been having a lot of trouble seeing truth about friendships in the past two years too. I have had people completely drop me, and I'll never know why and sometimes I'd just rather someone say "eff you Estelle" instead of just... not answering my emails or not inviting me to things anymore. Then I also try to realize that some pal-ships just can't keep going for some reason and it's not because anyone dislikes each other. You just literally have nothing in common anymore. So that's another thing I obsess over. I have a four close friends from elementary + college life, and, in strange ways, the people I count on most are the ones that are far away. I think it makes it even harder to deal with people who live nearby and don't make you a priority because (as you and I both know) LD friendships take a lot of care and attention. It's a lesson I have to learn time and time again. With all the crap, I try to remind myself that I can only control myself and my feelings and not the feelings and actions of others. Easier said then done, but life is too short to spend chasing someone or changing yourself to fit other people's expectations or "rules" about how one should act. It's tough! And I wish you all sorts of luck back at home, finding your happy place. My best friendships are respectful, honest, and thoughtful. We give each other space. WE LISTEN. And most of all, if one of us fucks up, it doesn't mean something is over. It means you talk about it and move forward. You keep learning. I'm hoping 2017 brings some great new friendships into your life and makes the ones you hold close even stronger. Thanks for writing this. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank YOU for this lovely and thoughtful comment! It is so hard to come to terms with friendships coming to an end. I totally agree with you that long distance friendships take more attention because communication is all you have or it dies. Betty said it best one time when she said, I love our friendship because it's equal parts give and take and like you said, it all comes back to listening! That's so hard to find! I'm hoping for those new friendships and happy places for you, too!! xoxo
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